Let me tell you something: as someone who faces sexism on a very personal level, I have no interest in politely trying to educate misogynists when we live in a culture in which their misogyny has no repercussions. Our government is introducing bill after bill of offensive, woman-hating legislation, murder is still the leading cause of [death of] pregnant women, and rape is under-prosecuted at staggering numbers. Birth control is up for debate, governors are rolling back equal pay laws, and you think I have the energy to be polite to these people?
No.
Because it doesn’t do any good. There’s no evidence that being super nice to sexists, or racists, or homophobes, or bigots of any kind will make them see the error of their ways - it’ll just make them more comfortable to be around you because you’re playing by their rules.
My blog is one of the only times these people will face any repercussions for being bigots. And you know what? They can turn off the computer and go right back out into the world where they are sexist jackasses and people tolerate it or even encourage it. When I turn off the computer, I’m still in a world of sexist jackasses that are tolerated and even encouraged. There’s this culture of not having any accountability for being a bigot, and I’ve created one tiny space on the internet where that’s no longer true.
"I find it ironic that cosmetic procedures intended improve their self-esteem too often lead to the opposite outcome.
Agrowing number of women in my practice express frustration for having paid dearly, both financially and emotionally, for procedures that leave them feeling uncomfortable and insecure. Is it that more women are undergoing surgery and speaking out about it? Or is the frozen, plastic look finally becoming passé? What I do know is that more women are feeling angst about looking oddly unlike themselves and regretful about it all.
Even women who feel surgery changed their lives or those who are simply satisfied with the results often say they were not prepared for the physical and psychological ups and downs involved in the whole process. Why does that happen? And how can it be prevented?
Take Tamra Barney, one of the most real of the Real Housewives, a woman who has gone public about her plastic surgery and speaks about it with regret. We were both part of a panel on the Today Show talking with Hoda Kotbe and Kathie Lee Gifford about the cultural pressures to look perfect Tamra told us that insecurity led her to get breast implants in her 20s. At that age, like so many other young women she believed that bigger meant better and was convinced they would make her feel more confident.
Recently, Tamra had her implants removed. “It was a long time coming. I knew I kind of wanted to get rid of them, but I don’t think I had the self-esteem to do it.” It was only after being treated for cancer — and growing in other ways — that she said she had the courage to let go of what she calls her “fun bags”. While a sense of humor seems to help Tamra, the women in my practice aren’t laughing about the subject. And they rarely are as vocal about their experience — these are not reality show women — so they often suffer alone.
One woman (who I’ll call Sally) came for psychotherapy following an eagerly anticipated Short Scar Face-Lift (SSFL) a procedure she was told had similar effects as a full one, with a shorter recovery and lower costs. She had hoped it would be the very thing that could get her on the right track, maybe even turn her life around. Divorced at age 30 and now in her 40s, she was worried about looking older and ending up alone. A guidance counselor at an all-girls’ private high school, she thought long and hard about getting ‘work’ done, not only because it was expensive and required a break from school, but it went against the kind of role model she felt she provided to her young students. She said, “I give the right message to my girls — you know that ‘beauty comes from the inside’ — but with my jowls hanging and face wrinkled, I was just not feeling great about myself.” It took her three years and several consultations before she found a plastic surgeon she trusted, who said, “don’t worry, guys will love the face I create for you.” That was all she needed to hear.
Then there was the 26-year-old professional tennis player who came for help after an upsetting experience with her dermatologist (I’ll call her Heidi). A benign but pesky mole had to be removed from her forehead, which she was told would be a quick and simple procedure. While Heidi was at her doctor’s office, she was asked if she wanted Botox to slow down the lines and crows feet cropping up on her face — something she heard other players on the tour talk about, but a concern she hadn’t paid much attention to. She told me, “That’s when I thought, why not?” Given the amount of time she spent outdoors playing tennis, with hopes that success would lead to more time in the spotlight, it seemed like a good idea.
While the mole removal was a simple procedure, the Botox was not. It wasn’t that the injections hurt, nor was she disappointed with how she looked. It was what happened during her next tennis tournament that disturbed her. She said, “my skin feels so tight, so frozen. I can’t really squint anymore,” something she has to do when serving into the sun. She told me that just being aware of this odd sensation took her mind off her match and even this small distraction threw her off her game.
Heidi was devastated — winning matches meant more to her than anything else and she felt foolish for letting vanity get in her way. And she was angry — for letting the doctor talk her into a procedure she hadn’t initiated herself, a feeling poignantly described in a recent off-Broadway play, Waiting for Dr. Hoffman. It portrays a character so enraged when her surgery fails to live up to her expectations that she shows up in the doctor’s waiting room with a gun — out to have him feel as injured as she now felt.
I told Heidi that fortunately, Botox wears off, and that she would eventually get used to the taut feeling around her eyes — little consolation to a young tennis pro whose every tournament contributed to her national ranking. I decided not to call attention to the woman in the news who claimed that a cosmetic procedure left her unable to close her eyes altogether! Instead, I talked about the consequences of cosmetic work that too often fails to be discussed with patients ahead of time — ‘hyper skin awareness’ being one of them.
Sure, most doctors warn that the results and recovery from cosmetic surgery vary from patient to patient, but few are told that procedures can take up to a year for the worked-on parts to settle. We just don’t realize how much we take the comfort of The Skin We Live Infor granted until it’s altered. Perhaps, in the end, Heidi’s Botox experience served as a tough (and pricey) lesson; her body was precious and had served her well. Possibly, it would be best to leave it unaltered.
Sally wasn’t as lucky. Her surgery was more permanent and the consequences more emotionally disturbing. “I just don’t see my face anymore.” She couldn’t put her finger on it, but she kind of missed the Sally she knew. Sure, she had fewer wrinkles and her jowls had disappeared, but she had no idea how attached she had been to her overall self-image until the “old her” was gone. “I thought this was a ‘mini-lift,’ no big deal,” she said. When she caught a glimpse of herself, she felt a pit in her stomach. “Who is that?” she thought and “what have I done to myself?” She couldn’t get past the feeling that she had betrayed herself, her students and fellow sisterhood, becoming just another victim of the anti-aging culture. She kept wishing she could turn back the clock — not on aging, but on acting on her desire to feel better by relying on external, rather than internal work.
Obviously there aren’t only sad endings to cosmetic surgery stories. I hear from many women that the final results were well worth the bruising, swelling and emotional adjustments that are part of it all. And of course there are many responsible surgeons and dermatologists who properly prepare their patients for the wide variety of possible post-operative consequences. I even heard of a medical tourism company, Medaway that includes reading material for each potential patient on the psychological issues related to cosmetic surgery — a wise way to ensure greater, long-term satisfaction.
The point here is, whether we are satisfied or not with the outcome of cosmetic work, we need to be attentive to all that’s involved: choosing the right doctor, electing the proper procedure and recognizing the ramifications that go deeper than the glossy before and after photos that make it all look so promising. Opting for a cosmetic procedure, no matter how subtle or radical, in order to improve how we feel is backward — it’s because we feel good about ourselves that we might even consider taking advantage of the cosmetic options currently available. Not the other way around.
Remember what Henry Higgins said about Eliza Dolittle: “I’ve grown accustomed to her face Changing your own — or any other part of your body — with the intention of enhancing self-esteem can turn out to be more complicated than meets the eye. Think carefully. Choose wisely. And make sure you do the internal work necessary to enjoy who you are — before and after!
Many young adults explore and define their sexual identity in college, but that process can be stressful and lead to risky behaviors. In a new study, students whose sexual self-definition didn’t fall into exclusively heterosexual or homosexual categories tended to misuse alcohol more frequently than people who had a firmly defined sexual orientation for a particular gender, according to University of Missouri researchers. These findings could be used to improve support programs for sexual minorities.
“Bisexuals and students whose sexual orientation was in flux reported the heaviest drinking and most negative consequences from alcohol use, such as uncontrolled drinking and withdrawal symptoms,” said Amelia Talley, MU assistant professor of psychological sciences in the College of Arts and Science. “Those groups reported drinking to relieve anxiety and depressin at higher rates than strictly heterosexual or homosexual individuals. One possible explanation is that people who aren’t either completely heterosexual or homosexual may feel stigmatized by both groups.”
The study followed more than 2,000 incoming college students for four years. Each fall and spring, study participants were surveyed about their sexual self-identification, attraction and sexual behavior. The students fell into different sexual orientation groups. One was exclusively heterosexual, but there were several sexual minority groups: exclusively homosexual, mostly homosexual, bisexual and mostly heterosexual. The survey also asked about frequency of alcohol use, reasons for drinking, and negative consequences experienced as a result of alcohol use.
“Exclusively homosexual and heterosexual persons drank at roughly the same rate and reported drinking to enhance enjoyment of social situations,” Talley said. “The other sexual minority groups tended to report more alcohol misuse. This suggests that it may be the stressful process of developing one’s sexual identity that contributes to problematic drinking, just as people in any difficult situation in life may turn to alcohol to alleviate stress.”
The study also found gender differences in sexual behaviors and self-definition of sexual identity.
“Females showed the greatest degree of sexual orientation fluidity,” Talley said. “They were able to admit a certain degree of attraction to the same gender without defining themselves as completely homosexual.” Talley suggested that “women may be more open to admitting to same-sex attractions because women are more likely to be objectified as sexual objects in our culture; hence, women are accustomed to assessing the attractiveness of other women in comparison to themselves.”
Males tended to define themselves as either heterosexual or homosexual. Talley speculated that this may be because many males aren’t aware that being “mostly straight” is a feasible alternative. Even a small degree of sexual attraction to other males may cause a young man to feel anxiety about his sexual identity due to strict masculine gender norms.
“Organizations could put our findings to use by providing a support network to help young people avoid using alcohol to cope with stress as they define their sexual identity,” Talley said.
